It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
