The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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