oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
are you so shy because you have an std?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There r osticjed everywhere
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
