Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Never joke about your clitoris.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
