i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
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