yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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