I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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