She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
