Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
