it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
