i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
They left me at home... I'm a liability
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
