When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
