Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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