Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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