I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
