yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
