A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Houston, we have a blender
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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