I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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