Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
