This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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