I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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