sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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