I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
