I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
