I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
