I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
