we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i've created a new STD.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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