i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
