plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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