I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
