smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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