I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
