Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
