I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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