I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
