FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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