Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
