dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
