It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
