good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
