3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
