How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize