Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want nice things and good sex
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
