She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
