the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
