After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
