I wannas sexs uuuuu
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
