porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
