Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You may now shotgun with the bride
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
