who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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