Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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