I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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