stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
