Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
