Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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