She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
