So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
