that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
