If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This is the high leading the old right now
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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