i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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